Why therapy for parents?
Brief book review: Parenting for Humans by Dr Emma Svanberg
Becoming (and being) a parent or caregiver is an intense experience. We hear a lot from friends, and will read in books, or see on social media content about sleeplessness, dealing with tantrums, and promoting healthy diets in our children. What is often less talked about in polite chit-chat is the emotional maelstrom we are quite likely to experience as parents - although I do feel that social media is helpful in bringing these experiences into the light, with many content creators and podcasters reflecting on the psychological impact of becoming a parent, and all the conflicting emotions our kids can stir up in us. However, we need to be careful who we listen to about this, as we can feel so vulnerable when experiencing emotional challenges in parenthood.
A really trusted source I would recommend is Dr Emma Svanberg, a Clinical Psychologist who specialises in attachment, trauma, and perinatal psychology. Her book, Parenting for Humans (2023), is an incredible place to start if you are wondering why parenthood is such a rollercoaster of emotions - and to find out that you’re not alone in riding this rollercoaster. At the start of the book Dr Svanberg encourages the reader to folder page corners over, underline, and scribble in the margins. I’ve folded so many corners over that my copy is nearly twice the size it started out as - that’s just how much wisdom she’s got to share!
In Part 1 of Parenting for Humans (“Myths and Stories”), Dr Svanberg lays out the myth that we all tend to believe, to some degree: that parents are in control of their children, who can be moulded into the type of babies, children, and ultimately people that you want them to be. She explains:
“Believing this myth means that, if parenting is hard, then it’s because we are failing. We are getting something wrong, we’re missing something. Or maybe it’s that we got a kid who is broken, becuase they’re not responding how they should be to our brilliant techniques” (p.21)
Dr Svanberg goes on from this prevailing myth about parenthood (that parents are in control, and that they always love their children in an uncomplicated way), to explore the stories that we may be carrying within us, about what parenting “should” be like, feel like. She encourages the reader to reflect on how they feel, as a parent, when family life is not straightforward, joyful, or easy. As she says, “Finding parenting hard and disliking aspects of our parenting life or even our children are still taboo” (p.23).
This rings so true. In my years of working with young people and their families, I have time and time again met with parents who have had to complete “parenting courses” and been grilled by professionals on what techniques they are using to manage their children’s behaviour or support their children to feel different. And while this is meant with the best of intentions, it often makes parents feel judged, afraid, and like failures. This makes them feel ashamed, less able to reach out for support, and they put more pressure on themselves to be “better”, which in turn makes them feel more stressed, which can ultimately lead them to being less like the parent they want to be.
This is where therapy can come in. Therapy for parents can provide a much-needed safe space for them to explore all their complicated feelings about becoming a parent and being a parent. Often it will give them time to reflect on their childhood experience of being parented, as often difficult memories from being in the ‘child’ role within a family will arise when a person takes on a ‘parent’ role in adulthood. Whilst therapy may not “fix” everything in your life, or that of your child or family, it can help you learn about why things can feel so hard at times, how to be kinder and more supportive to yourself through struggles, and release some of the more painful emotions and experiences, making a bit more space for joy.